


The Voice of Love

by ladykardasi



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Epistolary, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-07-01
Updated: 2005-07-01
Packaged: 2020-06-23 16:14:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19704913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladykardasi/pseuds/ladykardasi
Summary: The road to love in Spock's words. A letter from Spock to Jim.





	The Voice of Love

**Author's Note:**

> Previously published in Beyond Dreams #4. May be slightly different from the final published version.

I write these words to you because still, after such a long time, I cannot voice them. I cannot look into your hazel eyes and repeat this aloud. Yet I wish for you to know, and I wish for you to understand what you have done for me, t'hy'la.  
  
When I died, I lost so much, even more than I first realized. I lost the knowledge of my own feelings, the knowledge of our lives together. For many months, I walked through life, not remembering what you had once meant to me, and what we used to be to each other. As the memories gradually resurface, I find I wish to share this with you, should we ever face death again.  
  
Do you understand that when I was young, emotion was merely a word? It had no purpose, and I was taught to suppress everything I felt. Living without expressing emotions, without sharing them with anyone caused me no hardship until I met you, Jim.  
  
The first time I saw you standing there on the Enterprise, so young, so vibrant and so inexplicably alive, I sensed a stirring within. That sensation was something incomprehensible, something irrepressible, like you. It was something that frightened me – me – a being that until then had kept all feelings locked deep inside, controlled, tempered and tamed. Fear almost crushed me and drove me away, but your gentleness soothed me and made me stay, for I craved it, needed it like flowers need water to live.  
  
In the very beginning you brought friendship to my life – a concept I had never touched before. I did not know how to relate. You allowed me to adjust, never pushing, never forcing me to do something I was not ready for. You met me on my terms and allowed me to get used to your warmth, your caring and your unwavering interest and support. You sat there, smiling, inviting me to a game of chess and our friendship grew into something comfortable, cherished and appreciated. No man is an island, as an old poet from your home world once said. You taught me that no being could live alone. I can admit that now.  
  
The dynamic between us altered slowly but inevitably. I still do not know when it happened, and I might not have noticed the truth for years to come, had it not been for that fateful day of my marriage to T’Pring. I knew then, as I held your lifeless body in my arms, that your life had become more important to me than my own. I wept as I held you there, and those tears stung as painfully as the smile I gave you when I found you alive. McCoy will forever have my gratitude for his deviousness on that day.  
  
Your beauty, beauty of the flesh, was something I had seen so many times before, but it had never touched me on any level, never meant anything to me, and I had never truly noticed. Then your smile tore into my being, my soul, and ripped open a hole that lead deep into my inner self. Your radiant smile forced me to acknowledge emotions I had never experienced before. I could not close that gap; I could not hide, or fill it.  
  
That very first time it gripped me, I dismissed the attraction as something trivial, inferior to logic, and a thing that had no function or place in the world. Something I could not yield to, because it was illogical – and even more important – it was inappropriate. You were my captain; my commanding officer and you had become my friend, a trusted partner in life that I could not lose.  
  
Then I saw it, as it spread on your features, the soul-deep joy in you, in your eyes, and in the smile you bestowed upon me at every opportunity, every step of the way through good times and bad. It shone of friendship, respect, loyalty, and something more. Even I, so unfamiliar with emotion could not fail to see it.  
  
There was love, and that emotion shining toward me transformed my soul. Your beauty, like no one else's, became something needed, something to long for, and something I no longer wished to fight.  
  
Tenderness caressed me at your every touch, your every word. Your charms enveloped me like a comforting blanket, like a raging storm, like wildfire. It infiltrated me insidiously, and I had no defense against it. My longing for you grew from all that you taught me, all that you were to me. It steadily became stronger, more difficult to ignore, until I had to call those feelings by their proper name.  
  
Love; a human emotion, I had always thought. It frightened me more than anything had ever done before. I am seldom afraid, as you know, Jim, but when my feelings for you became so strong that I could not hide them, I was very afraid. Yet you comforted me, you drew me in and told me that it was nothing to fear – that loving each other was as natural and necessary as the early spring rains on Earth.  
  
I know now that even Vulcans thrive on emotion. They may not flaunt their love, but they feel it, maybe even more than I.  
  
As the months passed, our love grew into the bond that you and I now share. Is this vital emotion something each Vulcan has to find on his or her own, I wonder? My mother tried to teach me about love with words, but I would not listen. My acute Vulcan ears were deaf to her advice, and my father never shared his wisdom.  
  
It took your feelings, and your voice speaking of your love for me to force me onto the path we now share. I thank the ancient Gods of Vulcan each day for your courage to bring me to live, and to love by your side.  
  
Yours,  
Spock.


End file.
